The wedding of Kate and Will was some of the worst television I’ve seen in some time. The priest would not shut up about Jesus or something and all anyone wants to see Will and Kate make out, being that there would be nothing more titillating for monarchists worldwide to watch those two tall thoroughbred suck face and extrapolating from that exactly how they do sex. It seemed like whoever was running proceedings realised this, and decided to elongate the whole affair. This would have been fine, people happily tune into new years coverage at 9 or 10 to watch the midnight fireworks, which indicates that people can wait a long time for nothing, considering how boring fireworks are on television (and, FYI, in conversation). But the kiss itself sucked. It lasted like two seconds. It was so short that, despite recording the kiss itself I’m going to have to download pictures, because I can’t make the video play slow enough for me to fully pleasure myself to it.

Everybody likes Will and Kate and tolerates the monarchy in general. They left the event as they entered it, generally unnoticed until one of them dies, gets married or starts sporting a Nazi uniform at a party. The Nazi uniform scandal was ridiculous because it wasn’t a costume, Harry had slept in, missed the start of the event and wandered down in his Nazi pyjamas to check out the event. And I personally don’t think anyone should govern what one does or wears in the bedroom.

Anyway the royals did fine, but man did the church blow it. Here was a chance to show generations of people who had never been inside a church that church can be a fun experience, and entice lapsed church-goers back. Instead they tread out the same shitty songs and sermons with their shitty band and shitty choir singers. I’m not saying play Hendrix, but even the most orthodox church lets you use an acoustic guitar. I don’t even care if you get Rihanna to cover the Beatles. Fuck it, get the Beatles. What else are they doing? Lennon and Harrison haven’t toured in years. 

 And then they rode off in a horse drawn carriage. Which was pretty sweet. Also, the ring nearly didn’t get onto Kate’s finger. The wedding looked like a pretty big operation, nobody checked to see if they were going to have to force the ring on and make the global public think that the future queen of England has fat fingers? That is no way to run an empire.