The following are the headlines of the five most popular stories on CNN.com and what one would assume the stories to be.
This one seems pretty straight forward. It appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are divorcing. So many people in the news media must dread those mornings when they wake up to find out there’s another Schwarzenegger story. I’ve typed his name out three times now and I swear to god if I didn’t see this paragraph ending I don’t even know what I would do. Probably coke. All the political journalists must have razzed on their entertainment-covering colleagues until he decided to run for Governor. Well suck on that political journalists, that’ll teach you for trying to cover real news. Good luck scooping the next Watergate dickwads.
Well this one is quite clearly about boobs.
This is likely somebody recounting the story of a seminal film in the Travolta cannon: Face-Off. I’m assuming the story is picking up when he swaps faces with Nicholas Cage and he heads home to do sex with his arch-enemies wife and maybe his daughter. Though to be fair Nicholas Cage’s daughter is Dominique Swain, who was quite clearly over eighteen when this was filmed. Then there’s some kind of fight on a plane or helicopter or something and maybe redemption and I think one of them was dead all along or Luke’s father but those may be different movies.
Well this just looks like posturing. Like America is a fourteen year old who got into an argument with another kid and will not stop telling his friends that he totally would have punched-on if the other kid started it. Seriously America, you killed Osama. It’s time to stop being so insecure.
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